Wednesday, May 20, 2009

fear factor

original blog was posted from my multiply blog, initially set for my contacts only.

http://timmysebastian.multiply.com/journal/item/84/fear_factor


whenever we get intimate with others, or kahit hindi naman intimate, we often get to a point when we ask others what their worst fear is/are. when asked this question, i usually don't have a ready answer,primarily because i am not sure what i am scared/ afraid of (kung meron man).
while taking a bath this evening, a thought dawned on me that i think i'm afraid of being "successful". (don't look at me like im someone who's bragging, i'm not. let me explain myself before you cast your stones at me.)

why did this conclusion come to mind?

while taking a bath after my evening run (see, running clears cobwebs of one's mind, and makes you realize things hahaha), i realized that whenever i am becoming successful, something negative happens. actual examples are the following: when i was in grade school, i was a consistent honor student, sporty (was playing soccer then,hehehe might have been varsity if i continued hahaha), but all of a sudden, my Dad suffered a stroke. it took a while before i was able to "recover" from this traumatic experience but i realized that there is a purpose why it happened (pero parang ibang blog entry ata un dapat). towards end of grade school, medyo peaking na ulit, my grades were high again (na tipong na-hassle lang ako sa Reading, kinulang ako ng 1 point to graduate with honors nung GS). my academic success continued until high school (well, early part of HS) as i was always one of the assigned group leaders whenever there were groupings, my grades were always high (pero i still managed to handle extra-curricular activities din naman,) naging presidente din naman ako ng org nung HS, the teachers appoint me as the class beadle,(kaya din siguro ako naging bibo kid hahahaha), tapos at the peak of this 'success', one summer, we found out that one of my closest friend in HS died (the cause of his death remained unclear even up to know), so un. tas in college naman, while on my senior year dapat with babble,i tore my ACL & MCL during a performance while preventing a cheer leader to hit her head/spine from the edge of the stage.
last year naman,when i was able to finally get into marketing and was getting a bit 'successful' my gf and i broke up.

parang in the middle of these "successes" there were always something that was taken away from me, something that i treasure and hold dear to my heart. it only sank in (tama ba ung grammar?) kanina na, 'bakit ganun, whenever im being successful, may nawawala sa akin?' napaisip ako why ganon?

while i was playing with these thoughts in my mind, i asked a close and dear friend for her opinions on these thoughts. i was thinking, was that hindering me from attaining my maximum potential? na all these times i have been holding down myself for what others have been saying that i have potential daw, etc pero di ko namamaximze?

was the thought na if i do start becoming successful, something would be taken away from me again? here are some snippets of what my friend told me :)

FRIEND: do you think God wills it that way?
timmy: i know that he takes away things for a reason, pero natatakot lang ako
FRIEND: He takes away when it's time for things to be taken..i believe that..but i don't think He makes that "timing" to take things away when one is doing good in another..
timmy: why does it happen like that then
FRIEND: it could be that we only see these bad things coz these are the "big" ones that happened..parang..na-highlight lang kasi major siya
parang perception natin na "He takes things away" kasi eto yung mga na-lose natin
when in fact these things simply happened because it was time for these to happen, like what you said, for a reason
timmy: eh ang naisip ko naman eh bakit
FRIEND: naisip ko kasi, ang mga bagay nangyayari kasi may reason, like what you said, pero yung timing niya, tayo lang ang nagiisip na sadyang tiniming when we feel successful
bakit Niya ginagawa yun? kasi He wants to point out something..
timmy: like?
FRIEND: the value of life, of health, of love.. and our capacity to live, be healthy, love.

sobrang haba na if dadagdag ko lahat dito, pero ang bottom line is, no matter what, i should have control over these things which i can control. with those things i can't, other than rationalize on why those happened, i should instead channel those thoughts to something more productive.

Ang major conflict ko lang is that, IF the cycle continues, ano un? hassle diba? :( the potential in me that a lot of people are seeing, i am not able to draw out because im afraid that something which i consider important will be taken away from me.

pero then again, i realize that life is all about taking CALCULATED RISKS, and how i would react to the outcome of my actions.

so now, no more mediocrity, all out na ulit, one time bigtime everytime, bahala-na-si-batman attitude.


fight lang. tatabi ko na muna yang takot na yan, mas magiging malaking regret ito sa akin if i wouldn't try, kasi if i do try, i can see what else i can to achieve my goal (if di ko nakuha), than not trying at all,diba?


no more holding back. fear is not an option na. if may mawala na naman, tanggap lang.APIR!

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